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I could complain to the management, demand my money back and, possibly, score some gym-based perks as payment for my trauma (free Cliff Bars for life?). I took a long shower and considered my options. When it was over, I walked out quickly, thanking Hans under my breath.
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The massage went on for another 10 minutes. I was vulnerable, and Hans seemed to sense this. I could no longer pretend I couldn’t hear him. Now Hans was working on my front side, so he was able to speak directly to me. But through a mix of dexterity and towel origami, I was able to make the turn relatively smoothly.
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The flip-over is always tricky, particularly when all that separates you from full exposure is a rag the size of a postcard. I was put more at ease when he moved to my shoulders, safely away from the more vulnerable territories to the south. It didn’t, and he continued chatting as he kneaded his way up my thighs, his fingers dancing dangerously close to the unauthorized no man’s land. I mumbled responses-I’m a writer and a comedian, usually I didn’t know I had abductors-hoping my terseness would put a damper on his curiosity. “What do you do for a living?” “Do you stretch after you exercise?” “Do you know how tight your abductors are?” I did my best to ignore him, but the questions kept coming. Hans, however, was unnaturally talkative for a man whose livelihood involved rubbing naked flesh. For me, it’s become the equivalent of air travel or medical exams: I rely on it, but I tend to want the procedure to be over relatively quickly, and I can’t be bothered with idle conversation. An estimated 35 million Americans spend roughly $3 billion annually on visits to massage practitioners, totaling 75 million visits each year. Massage therapy, once an indulgence of the country-club set, has become the Starbucks of the bodywork world.